The Biggest Mario Adventure Ever!
by KawaiiBishieSephiroth13
Summary: Mario and Luigi go on an epic quest across several countries and through several kingdoms to defeat that evil Bowser once and for all! Can the brothers do it? Who might they recieve help from along the way? And what of Princess Peach? Work in progress!
1. Chapter 1

Once upon a time there was a fat Italian stereotype named Mario who lived quite happily and joyously in the Mushroom Kingdom with his brother Luigi who was a tall, skinny Italian stereotype and their combined 80 illegitimate children from parts unknown. One day Mario said to Luigi "Mama mia! I sure am-a getting-a fat!"

"You said it, lardass!" Luigi replied.

"Why you!!!" Mario said in his best imitation of famed television personality Jackie Gleason, who happened to coincidentally appear at the front door just there and then!

"Wow!" said Mario. "I-a loved-a your TV show where you played that fat guy and that movie where you played another fat guy!"

"Wait a minute," said Luigi, "Isn't Jackie Gleason dead?" and just then Jackie Gleason collapsed in a pile of bones and dust revealing that he was actually dead and not alive as it had seemed earlier.

"Well now that we-a have solved the Mystery of the Jackie Gleason, what shall we do next?" Mario asked.

"Let's go out to the Mushroom Kingdom for some mushrooms and also burn our house down for the insurance money."

So Mario and Luigi set their house on fire but they forgot to leave the house before they did so and got burned a little bit but not too bad and at any rate they got out and started walking through the Mushroom Kingdom when they came across a weird plant! "I wonder what this plant is," Luigi said.

"Maybe it is a spaghetti tree! I-a saw one of those on TV once!"

"Doesn't look like it," said Luigi.

"Oh," said Mario, and they continued walking down the road until they came across a big fat huge fat turtle blocking their path. "Mama mia! What is this!" said Mario.

"I am the big fat huge fat turtle who is huge and big and fat and gigantic" said the turtle. "I will grant you three wishes if you do a favor for me."

"That sounds wonderful!" said Mario.

"I don't know, he's a damn turtle, you know how tricky those guys can be."

"What, how dare an Italian mock me, you shall die!" said the turtle to Luigi who promptly pulled out a big gun and shot him.

"Oh no! My-a brother, he-a has been shot!" said Mario.

"Bury my shell at wounded knee" said Luigi feebly.

"Wait a minute, you don't have a shell!"

Then the big fat huge fat turtle took off his shell and revealed himself to have been Luigi the whole time! "Mario! I saved you from the evil shapeshifting turtle that's been living with you for the past few months! Now he won't bother you-a no more!"

"But he owed me five bucks!" said Mario and while Mario and Luigi were standing in the middle of the road when just then a meteor fell and struck the flaming remains of their house and an alien popped out of the meteor! "I have come from a distant planet to kill everyone and everything!" said the alien.

"Sorry, we-a don't take kindly to killin' around these parts" said Mario, who was suddenly wearing a cowboy's outfit.

"Well then what is an alien like me to do?" said the alien.

"Why don't you go into the United States and work illegally? I think that might qualify as some sort of really clever social satire" said Luigi.

"OK!" said the alien as he left.

Mario and Luigi suddenly remembered they were going into town for some reason so they walked into the Mushroom Kingdom which for some reason was entirely dead and burned to the ground and destroyed and ruined and covered in salt and plague viruses. "What the heck!" said Mario. "What's with all of this stuff?"

"Hey, here's a note!" said Luigi, and he picked up the note which read "Must remember to buy bread, pay electrical bill."

"Oh no!" said Mario! "Clearly, when they forgot to pay their electrical bill, the entire city collapsed! We must go and destroy the electric company!"

So Mario and Luigi set off to destroy the electric company but they got lost and ended up in Las Vegas instead where they decided to watch a Siegfried and Roy show while getting married by a fat Elvis impersonator in a 24 hour chapel.

"Now that we're married, we have to go on a honeymoon" said Mario.

"But where shall we go?" said Luigi.

Just then, a good fairy appeared out of the skies and said "RARRRGH INCEST IS BAD ESPECIALLY WHEN IT IS OF THE GAY VARIETY I AM GOING TO SEND YOU BOTH TO THE SOVIET UNION."

Before Mario and Luigi could explain that the marriage was just an elaborate joke they found themselves in Siberia having to fight off polar bears and polar ice floes and polar Russians drunk on polar vodka. "This stinks!" said Mario. "Let's go to Cancun instead!"

"Before you can leave Russia, you must defeat ME, the great Vodka Drunkenski!" said an extremely stereotyped, tipsy voice, and Mario and Luigi were face-to-face with the famed boxer from Punch-Out! So it became a battle of the ethnic stereotypes as Mario and Vodka went 18 rounds in the squared circle oh it was a glorious fight with Vodka pummeling Mario mercilessly and the crowd going wild.

Just before it looked like Mario was out of the fight for good, Luigi intervened with a superstar, thus causing Mario to not only defeat Vodka but every single person in the audience and knock down a bank and defeat half of the Soviet army and destroy communism and teleport Mario and Luigi back to the Mushroom Kingdom instead of 1980s Russia for some bizarre reason.

"What a weird dream!" said Mario.

"Mario you imbecile that wasn't a dream that actually happened!" said Luigi.

"Why are you being so mean?" said Mario.

"Because you're dumb!" said Luigi.

Just then Toad arrived, screaming "MARIO MARIO MARIO green guy MARIO THE PRINCESS HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED OH IT'S TERRIBLE BOWSER IS DOING UNSPEAKABLE AND NASTY AND HORRIBLE AND DEPRAVED AND X-RATED AND GENERALLY NOT-NICE THINGS TO THE PRINCESS HELP!!!!!!!"

"Quick! To the Batmobile!" said Mario and Mario got into the Batmobile and drove off to rescue the Princess except Mario didn't know how to drive the Batmobile correctly so he accidentally drove it into the sun and burned up and died.

Meanwhile, Luigi had crashed a huge party Bowser was holding in the hopes that the princess would be there! "OK you big smelly spikey turtle guy, where's the Princess?"

"Who the hell is this green guy? Koopas, kill him."

The Koopas started to swarm Luigi but Luigi was a master of kung-fu (both the video game and the martial art) and started to karate chop and kick people while making noises that sounded like a diseased chicken trapped in a computer when suddenly the Princess arrived and she said "Hi Luigi I'm going to die now!" and she collapsed in a heap on the floor apparently dead!

"Oh my god, the Princess is dead!" said Luigi. "Now my brother and I won't have anyone to rescue!"

"And I won't have anyone to kidnap!" said Bowser.

"And I won't have anyone to draw!" said Andy who does not actually appear in this story but I bet he would be sad if Peach died!

Anyhow, the hugest funeral ever was thrown in the Princess's honor and everyone ever in the mushroom kingdom decided to attend and pay their respects to her even Booster despite the fact that he was hairy and ugly and smelled like rotting feet. But when everyone went up to the coffin there was a giant POOF and the coffin turned into a cake! "What is the meaning of this?" asked Luigi and suddenly Peach descended from the sky using her parasol to float.

"I was just playing a prank on everybody so I baked a cake for you all!"

"That is fine," said Luigi, "but Mario is still dead."

"What! You didn't tell me Mario was dead! Now I just might die after all!"

While this was taking place, a huge earthquake shook the ground and made people fall over. "Oh no!" said Peach. "It must be Godzilla!"

"Godzilla doesn't exist!" said Luigi. "Besides he lives in the ocean."

"Oh whoops my bad," said Peach, "it must be THE END OF THE WORLD" and the world split apart and everyone floated off into space.

Meanwhile in space Mario was sitting on the moon eating some moon pasta that he had ordered from a moon restaurant when he could hear the world being destroyed. "Mama mia! Not again!" said Mario as he saw the pieces float around randomly in space. "Now I'm going to have to put the world back together!"

TO BE CONTINUED


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Mario in SPACE**

So Mario had to put the world back together which was going to be a tough task because the world is made up of some pretty large chunks of stuff and water and people and animals and hot pockets.

"I shall consult the Oracle!" said Mario, and Mario went off to find an oracle but the best he could find was an old gypsy fortune-teller booth and Mario said "Hey gypsy, tell-a me what my fortune is regarding saving the world because I am a plumber and plumbers do that all the time!"

"First you must make toast! Then you must make bread out of the toast! Then you must strangle a dinosaur with your bare hands! Finally, you must go into the heart of the sun, so you had better set your controls for that!"

"Awww, all that sounds too difficult, when do I get to the saving the world part already?"

"Right NOW!" and suddenly Mario was in a huge room with a bunch of ravenous tyrannosaurus rexes!

"Oh no! I guess I have to strangle them now!" said Mario and he tried to strangle one but he realized he didn't know how so he decided to pause the game and read the instruction manual to find out that he wasn't able to strangle dinosaurs, only jump on them. "This stinks! I knew I should've bought the Game Genie!"

"Did someone call for a GAME GENIE???" and just then the blue genie from Aladdin appeared.

"Quick Blue Robin Williams, you have to help me! I'm-a gonna be eaten by dinos! Also I-a keep forgetting my stereotypical Italian accent, mama mia spaghetti lasagna tortellini!"

"Sorry, pal, all I do is star in lousy movies like Toys and Man of the Year!" and he disappeared in a poof of bad comedy.

Mario then discovered a tar pit flower and created massive tar pits to trap all of the t-rexes in thus saving him from certain destruction! "That was kind of neat but now I need to figure out where I am!" so Mario walked along until he saw a big sign that said "Jurassic Park: Now with 100 percent less annoying fat computer nerds."

"Oh no! I am in a lame series of action movies! The world really DOES need saving!" and so Mario decided to use his fists to punch a tunnel through the ground until he came across a mysterious black box noted for its mysterious properties in such famous books as "What a Weird Box!", "Seriously! What's In It?", "I Want that Box!", and "The Redberg Michigan Telephone Directory."

Mario didn't care about any dumb old mysterious box so he set it on fire which caused the box to explode and shoot Mario up into the stratosphere where he discovered that the world had been reformed! "Wow! I did a pretty good job if I do say so myself!!!"

So he re-entered the atmosphere which was really hot and all of the flesh burned off Mario's body and he landed as a skeleton. "Neato! Now to find the Princess!" and he tried to walk but all of his muscles were gone so he just collapsed.

Meanwhile in outer space Luigi was still floating around trying to figure out how to get back to Earth when suddenly he found a giant rock. "I will ride this rock down to the earth's surface and then I will be able to be back! On the earth's surface!" So he surfed on the rock and did some cool stunts and got a contract to star in Mountain Dew commercials but before he could sign the contract the rock hit the earth and caused a huge boom and all the dinosaurs that hadn't already been killed died again, and Luigi got off, coincidentally right next to the Mushroom Kingdom which was now whole and unharmed!

"Now I will try to find the Princess!" Luigi said so he walked into the castle and discovered that Peach was there and she was hiding a ??? on her chair.

"What is that weird-a thing?" Luigi said and the Princess was so shocked and outraged and shocked and shocked and outraged at Luigi being in her room that she screamed for 40 days and 40 nights after which time a huge ship crashed into her bedroom wall. It was Bowser again!

"Howdy Princess, I have you set up for a 5 PM kidnapping, hope that's all right with you."

"Not so fast!" said Luigi. "I'm going to beat you up and beat you and stomp on you and kick you and beat you and bite you and burn you and beat you and kick you until you stop moving forever permanently!"

"That's a bit too permanent for my liking," says Bowser. "Tell you what; you can just walk this plank over here and you'll receive riches beyond your wildest dreams."

"Well OK sure I'll do that even though I can just get free coins from those weird question mark block thingies." So Luigi walked the plank and he fell into a deep pit and at the bottom of the pit was a lake containing a bunch of fish and also Mario who was now in his frog suit.

"Quiet, Luigi!" he said. "I'm-a trying to catch some sardines so I can make myself a pizza!"

"The Princess just got kidnapped, who cares about food?"

"I care about food! I want a pizza! A big pizza pie, big as a moon in an eye, and amore and all that jazz."

"You can get cake from the Princess!"

"A pizza cake???"

"No I think just a regular style cake but anyway I think I'm starting to drown now blub blub" and Luigi drowned.

Mario ignored his brother's untimely demise and caught a big red fish which was so angry at being caught that it turned into a giant winged demon thing probably Satan but possibly not because I don't know if Christianity exists in Mario's universe. "I AM THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS" said the fish-demon. "I AM GOING TO CRUSH EACH AND EVERY BONE IN YOUR BODY INTO A FINE POWDER WHICH I WILL THEN SNORT LIKE COCAINE BECAUSE DOING DRUGS IS COOL AS IS FAILING SCHOOL."

"A fairy!" said Mario. "OK I want you to grant me my wish my wish is that I appear in my house eating a big bowl of something stereotypically Italian because I am hungry."

"WISH GRANTED oh wait no what I'm not a fairy I'm a demon" but it was too late and Mario was back in his house with some pasta on the table.

"Mama mia, this is-a some good pasta! But wait a minute! I have to save the Princess or my name isn't Horatio Alger!"

So Mario blazed over to Bowser's Keep and knocked on the door of it so hard that the entire castle collapsed. "Golly!" said Mario. "I GUESS that counts as rescuing the Princess," so Mario went back home and started eating when he received a phone call!

"I wonder who that could be!" said Mario.

"Hello it is me Peach I am now in Cancun with Luigi and we are having an amazing time never show up ever Mario you big jerk."

Mario hung up the phone angrily. "OOOOH THAT LUIGI. I'M-A GIVE HIM A WHAT-FOR. But first I'm gonna finish eating this sub. It's a meatball sub you know. I'm Italian."

TO BE CONTINUED


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3: HOT DAYS AND HOT NIGHTS**

So Mario traveled to Mexico to find and beat up that no-good Luigi and then take the princess home for a little something something though he wasn't sure what that something was but it probably involved lasagna or ravioli but anyway he traveled to Mexico and he realized that he couldn't figure out exactly where in the world Cancun was.

"Mama mia!" he shouted! "Now I'll never find that Carmen Sandiego!"

Just then she popped out from behind a tree and said "FANGS FOR THE MEMORIES" and before Mario knew it he had been bitten because Carmen Sandiego was a vampire now and turned Mario into a vampire.

"Mama mia, I vant to suck blood? Oh no! My crazy accent is growing weirder!"

Since Mario was a vampire now he had to go out and find some blood so he crashed into a supermarket and started terrorizing people asking for blood until he finally stalked down what he wanted in one of the aisles of the supermarket and started devouring messily! But just then one of the employees walked up and was like "hey Mario you're not a vampire you're drinking tomato juice you're just regular Mario!" and Mario felt really embarrassed, so embarrassed that he jumped off the Empire State Building and crashed through the Earth's surface into its core, causing him to die and the Earth to explode again but this time God fixed it with some superglue so everything turned out OK.

Meanwhile in Cancun, Peach was sitting on the beach tanning herself much to the delight of a whole bunch of perverts on the internet when she suddenly had a thought. "Luigi!" she said since Luigi was laying right next to her drinking some Zima and staring out at the waves, "I want to become a world-famous poet!"

"OK babe whatever you say" Luigi said, flexing his non-existent muscles.

"Stop pretending you're Sylvester Stallone!"

"I thought I was imitatin' Sylvester Cat!" and just then a yellow bird appeared which caused Luigi to immediately chase after it and accidentally fall into the ocean and drown.

"Oh well time to become a poet now!" said Peach and so she got a Livejournal account and started wearing black clothes and lots of eyeliner and started writing things like "crawling in my skin, these wounds will not heal" and "i cut myself but i still feel nothing" and "blood blood blood pain pain hurt hurt ouch pain hurt stab wounded die" and she became an instant internet celebrity who was on a bunch of shows like that one show were C-list comedians make fun of pop culture or that one dumb show in the morning that bored housewives watch or that show where Drew Carey is Bob Barker on The Price is Right.

That last one was pretty important because Peach got to win a brand new car and so she started driving around southern California when she saw a scraggly hitchhiker on the side of the road. "Since I am so famous and wonderful, I won't even bother to pick up that hitchhiker, I'll just run them over!" so she tried to run the guy over but right before she did so a meteor fell out of the sky and blew up her car and threw her into a desert in Arizona. So for hundreds of days Peach had to crawl out of the desert on her hands and knees begging for water and forgiveness and composing poetry about how the sand was making her cut wrists itch. Finally she came across an oasis where Luigi was sitting drinking another Zima.

"Hey Peach how's that whole poet thing going?" said Luigi.

"It stinks I'm going to become a lawyer instead."

"OBJECTION!!!" said a voice from a palm tree and Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney fell out of the tree and accidentally impaled a dog on his objecting finger.

"Well why can't I be a lawyer huh???" said Peach.

"Nobody is allowed to be a lawyer if they're already a Princess!" said Phoenix.

"Oh yeah I'm a princess hmmm I wonder how the Mushroom Kingdom is doing."

Back in the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario was eating some gelato (which is Italian of course) when he decided to stop by Peach's place and discovered that Peach wasn't there anymore but was gone! "What a weird turn of events? I wonder where Peach is??? Oh yeah she ran off with Luigi whatever."

Mario sat on Peach's throne when suddenly a huge parade and fanfare started up. "CONGRATULATIONS!!!" said a voice out of nowhere. "YOU HAVE JUST BECOME THE NEW RULER OF THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM!!!"

"Wow, really? Cool! Now I can have all the pasta I want!"

And so Mario started a harsh and cruel regime as ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom, forcing everyone in the kingdom to grow nothing but ingredients used in Italian cuisine, then do nothing but make Mario Italian food 24/7 until he had grown to the size of a small building in terms of mass."I DEMAND-A MORE FOOD" said Mario angrily when suddenly Bowser showed up wearing a plumber's outfit.

"Not so fast! I, the beloved hero Bowser, am going to defeat you, King Mario!"

"Huh? Wait a minute this doesn't make any sense" but it was too late and Bowser stomped on Mario's head, crushing him and earning 100 points in the process. The denizens of the Mushroom Kingdom were overjoyed and lavished gifts and praise upon this bright young upstart Bowser which turned him into an evil and narcissistic creature which is how Bowser became the evil King Koopa but that's another story entirely!

At any rate, Peach made her way back to the Mushroom Kingdom when she noticed that Bowser had taken over again! "Oh geez not again" she said angrily. "Oh well, I might as well get this over with" so she stomped into her castle where Bowser was playing Sonic the Hedgehog on his Sega Genesis and said "Bowser get out of my castle!"

"Too late, Princess," said Bowser, "Mario's already dead so you can't stop me ever!"

"Oh yeah?" said Peach. "I think it is YOU who are dead!" and Bowser dropped dead.

Now that she had regained her kingdom, Peach set about to reconstructing it, and everything was turning out fine and dandy and normal when a dark cloud appeared on the horizon. "Oh my!" she said. "What is that dark cloud?" She went out to investigate it and discovered that it was just a storm cloud and she got hit by lightning a couple times. "Owie owie owie" was the Princess's reply.

So she walked back to her castle and decided that she was going to go to bed so she sat down and undressed and had Sigurd put to death since he was creepily peeking into her window and was about to go to sleep when she heard a really frightening noise from outside! She peeked out the window to see what the noise was and discovered that the Mushroom Kingdom was now under attack by the biggest and meanest dragon ever! What was she going to do?

TO BE CONTINUED


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER FOUR: STOP DRAGGIN' THE PRINCESS AROUND. HAHAHAHA GET IT IT'S A JOKE.**

So the big huge mean dragon slammed his tail into the castle and it crumbled like a big cake that had been sitting out in MacArthur's Park and the Princess fell 80 feet and landed in a pile of rubble. She got mad and said "Alright you big meanie head dragon I'm going to use my pretty princess powers against you!" and she underwent an elaborate transformation sequence beloved by little girls and middle-aged perverts and became Super Sailor Pretty Kitty Ranger Tokyo Mermaid Golfclap Handshoe Buttface Princess Peach and struck a pose. "In the name of the moon, I will order some Indian food!" she said. "Then I'll kill you!"

Meanwhile, on another planet, Mario woke up with a shock. He had forgotten to eat last night and was now tiny and completely useless! "Mama mia! I need-a power mushroom! Gotta have-a my fix!" So he walked to the corner of 53rd and 3rd and came across his old friend and pal Dee Dee Ramone. "Hey, do you know where I can-a score some smack?" said Mario.

"Blurf" said Dee Dee in response because he was dead and a zombie.

"OK cool" said Mario and so he walked away and found a power mushroom and grew so huge that he punctured the planet's atmosphere and banged his head against a black hole. "Now to go find-a some pizza!" said Mario and he swam through space until he came across another, bigger black hole and got sucked into it forever.

Peach, meanwhile, was eating some roasted dragon leg when she got a phone call from Lionel Richie except it wasn't actually Lionel Richie it was just Luigi in drag. "I have found the antidote!" Luigi exclaimed.

"Wonderful!" said the Princess. "Now I will come over and retrieve it and also bring Toad along because he needs the antidote badly!"

So Princess drove over in her little red corvette and found Luigi sitting on a barstool drinking whiskey. "Here's the antidote right here" said Luigi as he pulled out a bottle about as big as King Kong from his pocket.

"Wonderful!" said Peach, "I will give it to Toad right now!" and so she forced Toad to drink all of it and he underwent a transformation and instead of being a short mushroom man he was transformed into a hard-bodied male model and Peach was so turned on by this event that she went into hysterics and ran around the room screaming at the top of her lungs while flailing her arms.

Just then, Bowser crashed in through the wall and said "yo, sup" but Princess was already in a coma from screaming too hard.

"Oh well I'll just kidnap you" said Bowser and he tried to pick up Toad but he shattered like glass.

"OK then I'll just kidnap you" said Bowser but Luigi was already all the way in Acapulco slamming jello-shots out of hookers' bellybuttons.

"FINE THEN I'LL JUST KILL MYSELF" said Bowser and he put a gun to his head but then Mario crashed through the ceiling and said "NOT SO FAST BOWSER!!!" and accidentally impaled himself on one of Bowser's head horns and died.

"Like, whoa" said Bowser and suddenly the Matrix imploded all around him and there was all sorts of green flashy stuff and special effects and pseudo-intellectual writing and Bowser became one with the Universe but he accidentally underwent a big bang and was exploded into a billion pieces, one of which became Earth, where Luigi was sitting around acting bored because all of the hookers had suddenly died due to being bored of Luigi.

"I think I will go into that spooky haunted mansion!" said Luigi and he went to the front door but the doorman said "do you have a ticket" and Luigi said "no" and the doorman got really angry and kicked Luigi out of Disneyland.

"Well that sucks!" said Luigi. "Now what am I gonna do here in Florida?" and suddenly an alligator arrived and vomited up Princess Peach.

"Hi Luigi! Let's go have a picnic in the swamp!" she said while picking bits of dead bats and rats and cats out of her hair.

"OK!" said Luigi so they went into the swamp and ordered a taco and they received it and ate it. "Now what shall we do?" said Luigi.

"Why don't we do it, right here, right now, and never stop ever!" said Peach and Luigi started to agree but just then Mario drilled up from the Earth's crust!

"So!" said Mario. "My brother and the princess, about to do the nasty behind my back!"

"Oh no!" said Peach. "What shall we do?"

TO BE CONTINUED


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER FIVE: OH MY GOD!!!**

"Oh no Mario is coming after us with a knife!" said Peach as Mario came after the Princess and Luigi with a knife!

TO BE CONTINUED


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER 6: KNIFE**

So Mario decided to go after Luigi and Peach with a knife and Peach was like "OH NO LUIGI WHATEVER SHALL WE DO" and Luigi was like "I got-a an idea!" and Luigi called up Nintendo Headquarters and they sent out some keystone cops to throw pies around and also arrest Mario for having a weapon in a Nintendo game. Mario got a game over screen and lost a life and was thrown in jail where he met a strange old man. "Mama mia! What're you in-a for?" said Mario, who was already craving some pasta. "I'M AN OLD LADY" said the old man. "BEGONE PEASANT" said Mario and the old man was replaced by a hardened convict with a heart of gold. "Have you seen my wife, the hooker with a heart of gold?" said the hardened convict cheerfully. "I don't-a understand-a what's-a going on-a here" said Mario sadly.

Meanwhile, out in the Serengeti, Luigi was doing his mating dance to woo Peach. In a scene heavily reminiscent of that cult classic Tarzan Meets Tony Monero, Luigi jumped and swooped and breakdanced and gyrated and swung from a vine. Unfortunately he accidentally fell off the vine and into a crocodile's mouth, which is not something you should do if you are looking for a mate! So Luigi died and Peach found a nice African fellow to be her mate and they lived happily ever after until World War III started and Adolf Hilter XXIII rounded up all the Africans for another holocaust.

Back in jail, Mario was hatching a harebrained scheme to get out of jail, because being in jail is not pleasant! So Mario jumped off the top bunk of his bed and tried to break the bricks in the ceiling with his fist but instead he just broke his hand which hurt pretty bad. Then it was lunchtime and Mario was herded into the cafeteria where he was fed a diet of slop and mush. "What? This isn't Italian!" said Mario.

"Oh yeah well what are you gonna do about it?" said the lunch lady who had a big moustache and was named Earl.

"I'm-a gonna SCREAM!!!" said Mario and he screamed so hard that the prison collapsed and everyone died except Mario somehow. So Mario dug his way out of the rubble and went out searching for some better food when he came across a turtle lying in the middle of the road. "Oh no!" said Mario. "I-a hate turtles!" and went to stomp on it but before he could the turtle moved to the side so that Mario accidentally stomped on a landmine the turtle was sitting on instead.

So Mario got blown high into the sky and landed on top of an airplane which was being piloted by Luigi and Peach was also inside it. "Oooh, this really steams my jeans!" said Mario. "Whatever that means." so he punched his way through the airplane's hull causing explosive decompression and everyone fell to the earth and had all their bones shattered so they had to be taken to the Mushroom Kingdom's finest hospital. What they all didn't know is that Bowser was serving as the doctor!!!

TO BE CONTINUED


	7. Chapter 7

**CHAPTER 7: Bowser's Lament**

Bowser, interestingly enough, did not actually want to destroy Mario and the Princess and Luigi, but instead wanted to heal them. "Without their shenanigans, my life is entirely without meaning," Bowser said, as he prepared his crack surgical team to reassemble the Mario brothers and their royal girlfriend.

"Koopa Troopa, I need 40ccs of adrenaline, stat!" Bowser said, as he prepared to make some incisions.

"Adrenaline? I thought you meant Kool-Aid!" said the Koopa.

"You fools! This is the wrong flavor!" said Bowser, but it was too late. Mario and Luigi and that other guy were all now dead and needed to be buried.

Bowser buried them all in a plot of land on his property and wept openly. No more would he kidnap the Princess on hot summer days when he was bored and in need of companionship. No more would Mario and Luigi beat the crap out of him after another rousing game of Go Fish with her royal highness. No more would the Detroit Lions win the Super Bowl, though it wasn't like they were winning any anyhow.

The Mushroom Kingdom threw itself into a panic, being comprised primarily of completely helpless mushroom men after all, before erupting into a violent, bloody civil war as several parties tried to fill the power vacuum that the death of Her Regal Majesty Princess Peach Toadstool and her royal consorts had created. It was brother against brother, mushroom against mushroom as factions were created, dissolved, massacred, executed and martyred.

Finally, at the end of the bloodbath, it was the mushroom man with the deepest ties to the royal family, the man simply known as Toad, that wrested control of the country for himself. As he sat occupying the royal throne, he pondered his course of action. His rule, barely a week old, was already one of some controversy. He was alleged to have murdered Toadsworth, the former princess's most trusted advisor, and many, especially those of the newly founded Socialist Workers' Party, wanted rule of the kingdom to be for the people and not to perpetuate authoritarian monarchy any further. Toad did not simply want to kill his political enemies; after seeing so many he cared for die in the conflict, he did not wish to inflict any more violence upon his people.

But still, his political woes were not simply going to go away. The royal coffers, already drained during the mourning process for the beloved late princess, were not going to nearly be enough to rebuild the fractured, devastated kingdom, and the pressure was already mounting for him to make things realized that he needed a diversion, something to take the minds off of the kingdom's self-inflicted wounds. Perhaps rekindling the old conflict between his and Bowser's considerable Koopa empire would be just what his kingdom needed.

He realized full well that Bowser was likely not responsible for the deaths of the princess and the plumberly duo. He had been around enough to realize that Bowser was all bluster, his cries of blood and thunder to be rained down upon the Mushroom Kingdom amounting to little more than thud and blunder. Still, he knew that there was some resentment harbored against the Koopa king among the various denizens of the Mushroom Kingdom. Many simply assumed that he had to have murdered them simply because he was the one last seen with that trio, that he would strike when the opportunity arose, no matter how cowardly and shameful such an act might be.

Quickly, then, Toad whipped the Mushroom Kingdom into a frenzy. He assembled a propaganda machine to insinuate that, indeed, Bowser had murdered the beloved princess and that he must be made to pay the ultimate price for such a grave misdeed. Toad's plan worked perfectly; the kingdom was soon up in arms, ready to take their war to Bowser's very keep, to enact revenge and to coincidentally fill the royal coffers with some blood money.

Meanwhile, in Bowser's empire, things were still in a state of disarray. The once formidable king had taken to a life of seclusion and despair. His already considerable frame had ballooned under the strain of alcoholism and despair, often staying bedridden as he ate little but wines imported from the Mushroom Kingdom and ate colossal cakes. No matter how much he drank or ate, he could not fill the gnawing black pit of hopeless guilt that filled his every waking moment.

As Bowser was in absolutely no position to run his empire, many of his advisors had taken to running the kingdom for him. A ruthless, conniving bunch, they decided that filling their own pockets was preferable to actually running the kingdom, fleecing Bowser's own treasury and erecting harsh, brutal taxes on the land's peasantry under Bowser's name. A seething resentment against Bowser was thus forming amongst his own people, who believed him to have gone mad with power at the death of their stated enemy, the Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom, and was out of touch with the needs and wants of his people.

Thus, when the Royal Army, under the command of Toad, rode into Bowser's empire, they were, oddly, hailed as liberators and were welcomed, putting up only small pockets of resistance here and there. Toad was inwardly thrilled—his plan was working far better than he had hoped—but still kept up an outward pretense that the battle of the keep itself would be the most treacherous and bloody the mushroom men had ever fought in their lives.

Toad did not realize just how easy taking the keep would be, however. As the Royal Army inched ever closer to Bowser's keep, some of the denizens of the keep themselves, knowing of the advisors' scheming and their indisposed, drug-addled king, staged a sudden revolt, lynching the advisors before putting their heads out on pikes in the front of the castle.

This did not stop Toad from executing the next portion of his plan, however. All those that were in the keep at the time the Royal Army stormed it were captured and many summarily executed without trial for their connection to Bowser. As for Bowser himself, he was discovered laying in his bed, half-conscious, a bottle of wine in one hand and a fistful of angel food in the other. So anesthetized with alcohol that he barely knew what was going on, Bowser was rolled out of his room and soon placed before the Royal Court of the Mushroom Kingdom.

A sham of a trial proceeded hence. Though Bowser was clearly unfit to stand for trial, he was nonetheless charged with crime after crime, everything from emotional distress to murder of the first degree. Once the charges were settled, Bowser had been forced to give up his entire empire to Toad and the Mushroom Kingdom, and was to be publicly executed at dawn for his "crimes."

The execution day. An old-fashioned execution was planned for Bowser; an axe blow to the neck so that his severed head would be paraded around the Mushroom Kingdom in the following days. A record number were in attendance, primarily consisting of the vengeful, bloodthirsty mushroom men, but with many of the citizens of Bowser's former empire, goombas and koopas primarily, filling the plaza where the execution was to take place.

Bowser was weeping openly. He knew, in that small portion of his mind that hadn't yet suffered from the ravages of his all-consuming alcoholism, that all of this was a ruse, simply a way for the Mushroom Kingdom to overcome their grief and sorrow over their beloved monarch perishing at his unskilled hands, but he no longer cared. Without the princess, without the Mario brothers, life was no longer worth living. He simply hoped that there was an afterlife, and that he could meet them all there.

Finally, the moment of truth. Bowser's head was placed on the chopping block. As a last rites were said for the soon-to-be-deceased, Bowser simply closed his eyes, and hoped it would all be over quickly.

The axe was lifted. The crowd hushed in anticipation.

Suddenly, a spaceship crashed in the plaza, and out popped Mario, Luigi, and the Princess.

"Hey everybody! We're-a back from our-a vacation! What's-a going on?" Mario said, bearing a tan and a Hawaiian shirt.

Before anyone could respond, a meteor crashed into the plaza, destroying the entire Kingdom and throwing the planet into another ice age.

"Mama mia, not again!" said Mario before he was vaporized.

TO BE CONTINUED


	8. Chapter 8

**CHAPTER 8: The Ice Age**

Thousands of years had passed since the meteor struck, and life had slowly but surely begun to rebuild itself in the aftermath. Amidst the glacial peaks and tundra, new species were thriving, and a new sort of society was being born, spearheaded by a small tribe calling itself the Maha-shrum.

Today was the day of the hunt, and in charge of this expedition was the tribe's greatest warrior, Maha-rioh. Clad in the pelts of the giant furred gum-bah that was much of the tribe's source of sustainment, dyed red to show his position of superiority amongst his tribesmen, he was a marvel to behold. His legs, the source of his battle prowess, were stout and thickly muscled. Though seemingly portly in the midsection, this too was largely muscle mass. His moustache, large and bushy, was the pride of the tribe.

Standing high on a glacial ridge, he surveyed the vale below. Ah yes, there they were; a large herd of gum-bah ready to be dispatched by his careful hand. He brought in his hunting party close, gesturing to them where they were to go. His fellow Maha-shrum, being of short build and lacking Maha-rioh's physical power, were not much of a match for these dangerous furred giants, but their role in the hunt was nonetheless an important one. Quietly, they stole down the into the icy vale, shielding their spotted bulbous heads from the elements with special hoods woven from the fibers of the useful (but deadly) para-hana plant. Once they drew close, they let out yelps and whoops, daring the gum-bah to come close.

The gum-bah, thinking the Maha-shrum to be easy prey, bore down upon the Maha-shrum, their eagerness to capture the tribesmen offset by their ponderous, unseemly gait. The Maha-shrum knew that, so long as they were careful, they had nothing to truly fear from these giants, and guided them toward Maha-rioh's vigil atop the ridge. Finally, it was time; the gum-bah had been drawn in close enough. With a loud whoop, Maha-rioh leapt from his icy seat and into the vale below. The gum-bah, realizing their perilous situation, panicked and attempted to disperse, but it was entirely too late. Maha-rioh landed on the lead gum-bah with a sickening crunch, breaking its body with the force of his mighty legs, bringing it to a rest in the powdery snow. Launching himself with the force of a piston, Maha-rioh rebounded and dispatched another gum-bah in a similar way, and another, and another. All told, 5 were slain before the remaining gum-bah escaped far enough away to be safe from Maha-rioh's steely limbs.

The Maha-shrum whooped and cheered, celebrating another successful hunt. There would be much for the tribe to eat in the coming weeks and bring an end to a long, hungry nomadic period. Slowly, but surely, the bodies of the gum-bah were brought back to camp, in preparation for a celebratory feast. Maha-rioh himself swelled with pride. He knew that the tribe's matriarch, the beautiful and fair Pi-chi, would be pleased with his daring performance this day, and would reward him handsomely.

They had arrived! The village cheered their arrival with much dancing and rejoicement. Pi-chi herself, clad in a diaphanous robe woven of the finest paha-rana fibers, was thrilled at the bounty laid at her feet. The feast would commence, but Pi-chi excused herself to aid in its preparations. The ceremony, after all, was one of high import, so Maha-rioh's reward would have to temporarily wait.

The village bustled with activity. The men busied themselves with butchering the meat and the women with preparing it, with the children aiding in any way they could. Maha-rioh, though, was troubled. It was not like Pi-chi to dally with his reward. Something had to be amiss, and he was going to find her to ask what was going on.

Her hut, as usual, was guarded by two of the finest Maha-shrum the tribe had to offer. Unusually, they forbade Maha-rioh entrance. Pi-chi was preparing for the ceremony, and it would not do for him to interfere. Maha-rioh was outraged, and burst into the hut anyway. His anger soon gave in to shock. Pi-chi was certainly in the hut, but so was his brother. Luhu-ichi.

Luhu-ichi, though even more talented than himself at jumping, was a thin, somewhat cowardly sort. His mind, however, was keen in ways that Maha-rioh could not boast, and Pi-chi often used him as a counselor, bouncing her ideas off of him to determine what was best for the tribe. Because of this, he also wore special colors for his pelt, this one a dark shade of green extracted from the bright green funguses said to restore life to any who ate of their flesh. While Maha-rioh knew that Luhu-ichi and Pi-chi were close, he did not realize that they were quite this close.

While Pi-chi covered up and tried to explain that Maha-rioh was not, in fact, seeing what he knew he was seeing, Luhu-ichi simply ran, and Maha-rioh followed soon after. Luhu-ichi was a talented sprinter and soon outstripped Maha-rioh by several yards, weaving in and out of the village's huts in an attempt to confuse his brother into dropping the case. Maha-rioh, however, was determined to back at his brother. After all, it was he, as the village's chief warrior, who should have a claim to Pi-chi.

Suddenly, bedlam from the south end of the village. Maha-rioh stopped dead in his tracks. The demon lizard, Bau-zah, was again wreaking havoc. Bau-zah was a horrendous sight, a throwback to a more brutal era. Though he wore no furs, his body was hot like a furnace. Large, dreadful spikes coated his armored carapace, and his roar could be heard for miles. Killing the Maha-shrum seemed to be little but sport to this horrendous, scaled monstrocity, but he also seemed to have an interest in the lovely Pi-chi, for reasons entirely unknown to the Maha-shrum. Maha-rioh knew that he must, once again, intervene to save his tribesmen and their leader. Dealing with his traitorous brother would have to wait.

Maha-rioh ran to where Bau-zah was laying waste to the village. Already, the lifeless bodies of several of his fellow tribesmen lay before the rampaging beast, and many huts were ablaze from the fury of its fiery breath. Bau-zah, upon seeing Maha-rioh, roared in a fit of wrathful rage. Too many times had Maha-rioh spoiled his plans. Too many times had Pi-chi eluded his grasp. He made a sudden charge, bearing down on the brave warrior.

With cat-like reflexes, Maha-rioh leapt over the charging monster, causing Bau-zah to harmlessly plow into an already-flaming hut. This infuriated the beast even more, and he stomped the ground in indignation, sending shockwaves throughout the surrounding tundra, rippling the ground and shaking the very foundations of the village.

In fact, the shockwaves caused by this pique of rage proved to be very powerful indeed. A dormant volcano, lying some several meters below the village, suddenly found itself awakened, spewing out lava and ash in a dizzying torrent. Though the Maha-shrum and all within a several mile radius of the volcano were devastated, this would mark the end of the ice age, and a new era for this brave new world, a world heralded in by a single word from the brave Maha-rioh;

"Daaaaaammmmnnnnnnnnn."

TO BE CONTINUED


	9. Chapter 9

**CHAPTER 9**

Mario awoke with a start. "Mama mia, what a horrible-a dream!" he said.

"Mmm, what's that?" said Peach, who was snuggled in next to him.

"Oh, sorry, I didn't-a mean to wake-a you. I just had-a this really awful dream where I was-a some sorta caveman or something. Also, you were-a doin' some kinky things with my brother and I didn't-a like it!"

"Don't worry, Mario," Peach sleepily whispered into his ear. "Just lay back and relax."

Suddenly, Bowser burst in through the ceiling. "Finally, I have you in my grasp, Prince-uggh!"

Mario scowled. "Geez, do you mind, you big oaf? Can't a guy get-a some privacy?"

"Ugh, so hairy!" Bowser said in disgust, averting his eyes.

"Yeah yeah, you're-a no big treat yourself. Go away already! Kidnap-a the princess some other time."

"No! I'm sick of kidnapping the princess on your schedule! What about my needs?!"

"You get outta here or you'll find out-a how much hairier things-a are _under _the covers!"

"Eeeesh!" Bowser paused for a moment, then grinned a sinister grin. "Well, if I can't kidnap the Princess right now, I suppose there's nothing stopping me from bringing out my plan B!"

"What-a plan B?" Mario said. "And be quieter, Peach is-a trying to sleep-a."

"Plan B? That's where I kidnap you both!" At this, a steel cage dropped down around the regal bed, trapping Mario and the Princess.

Peach awoke with a start. "Huh? What's going on?"

"Bowser's kidnapping us, apparently," Mario said, a tinge of irritation in his voice.

"Oh. Well, be sure to fix that, would you?" said Peach as she drifted off to sleep again.

"Sure thing. Might-a be a while, though."

"Mua-ha-ha! Now I have you lovebirds in my grasp! Nothing can stop me now!"

Just then, a

TO BE CONTINUED


End file.
